Anonymous said: How do you know if your sub truly can't take anymore? Do you use a safeword? Your subs are always gagged and heavily bound; how can you tell if they're trying to signal you?
There’s actually a lot of communication going on during a session. A tiny part of it is verbal. Utterances like “oh, yeah”, “thank you, Sir”, “ouch!”, “fuck, Fuck, FUCK”, “stop, please stop”.
But the majority is non verbal. And for the most part not entirely under the sub’s conscious control, which can be more revealing. For example breathing pattern, sighs, moans, groans, screams, whimpers, their tone (satisfaction, frustration, pleading, …), pitch, loudness or periodicity, facial expressions (neutral, biting lips, gaping mouth, squinting eyes, …), movements (sudden or slow, deliberate or disorderly, in or out sync with the stimulation, …), posture (back arched, head raised, body twisted, …), strain against the bonds, pelvic movements, hand movements (grabbing at the sheets or restraints, hyper extended, making a fist, pumping, relaxed, …), toes (curling or wiggling), quality of erection (semi-hard, hard, rock hard), softening or hardening, balls hanging loose or tightening, involuntary muscle spasms, sweating, goose bumps, and so on.
Body language is a rich, nuanced, high bandwidth communication medium. It reveals pretty much all you want to know about the sub’s state of mind. Whether he’s anxious, relaxed, needs a short break, starts to reach his limits, is already past them, getting distracted, tired, eager for more, close to climax, … You just have to listen and, as a good sadist, use the information against him.
So, to answer your first question, it’s easy, the sub tells me. Just not with spoken words.
I usually play with a safeword. It’s a good tool to have in the tool box. But not one that I rely on, because as a Dom you can’t trust that a sub will safeword if / when needed. For a variety of reasons, some subs are not always psychologically capable of safewording in situations where they should. E.g.:
- They want to please the Dom and feel that safewording would be letting him down.
- They’re so deep in subspace that they may not even recall that there is a safeword.
- They’re high on adrenalin and endorphin, which alters their perception of pain and assessment of the situation.
I use safewords in three forms:
- A spoken word. Usually “red”.
- Three short grunts.
- A silent check. The sub must respond to a double hand squeeze with the same. Failure to do so stops the session.
All three can be used with most forms of bondage, including when gagged. Contrary to common conception, gags are good at garbling sounds, but remarkably ineffective at muffling them. I also like using gags that remain comfortable for several hours i.e. not the super sized tonsil tickling or jaw breaking kind. These gags provide enough freedom for short words like “red” or grunts to remain not audible but perfectly identifiable, while still rendering structured speech unintelligible and futile. This is a great way to stay safe, comfortable and reinforce the sub’s sense of helplessness, making him more submissive and helping him focus on the sensations.
Now THAT is how a dom should be.
This dom know what he is doing!